| wishing for collapsing lungs |
[12 Dec 2004|05:19pm] |
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Who am I? What the fuck have I become? Constatntly longing in the shadows my eyes wander and I always find nothing in the end. Further more circumstances I thought once to be my only barrier now emotion has fucked me over. Whats was there may have never been there and again does my meaningless judgement go to waste. They say it comes to decisions but I have none. My fate has never been at the hands of me rather the ones around me. They say in order to love one must love their selves. In that case Im destined to lonliness for love is to me only a four lettered word. I must gain accomplishment for as if my luggage it's all I want before I leave. They leave my to linger they leave to starve. They leave me to die and die I will. Resurrection has no affect and chemicals i will never taste. Iasked for subsatnce depression came to me and I embraced its ever so welcoming hands. It brings me great cold when warmth is my cure and I could care less. Intuition is gone, reflexes no mre, smiles only artificial, warmness intangible. Is there anything to keep sacred to myself. Self preservation has kept my cold heart from thawing and a tundra it will remaine.
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| the sound of redemption dying |
[02 Dec 2004|08:51am] |
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Torn is my world and plagued by choices is this mind. Why is life so conflicting? Is there no way for me to loath? Either way misery will somehow find it's way to my veins and just as I though I was cured the disease haunts once again. Is there no escape from it? The one thing I thought would cure me has now become my greatest weakness and now flooded are my valleys with the grim waters for me to drown in. Suffering is what I take from all my years of living and so little moments am I able to depict as happiness. As Eve and the apple further I bite into darkness eventually my world I fear will become numb to my emotional beat down and indifference will kill me. A simple moment of boredom will soon turn a ghastly happening
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| my dream |
[01 Dec 2004|07:16pm] |
America, the place where dreams are made. A place to start new, clearing the past, and beginning a new foundation. Many hope to maintane a steady job, to settle down eventually even raising children of their own all while being happily married and generously employed. For most it's the American dream but not all dreams are the same. They all consist of visions of the future and for most stability to hold. All want to be happy and hope to have little conflict. To me the all to common "American Dream" is a bit too over-rated and overwhelmingly repitious in my opinion. In fact, to most my dream might sound as a nightmare.
I've searched vigorously trying to find some substance that even in the future would make sense of me doing. The truth is though there are many oppurtunities out there I can only envision myself alone the only companion would be my art. I wish to become an artist of sorts. When I look to the future I can see myself consumed in art spreading my many messeages through music, poetry, lieterature, and only surviving on the bare minimal. Comforts would be the least from my mind for the art will be my only indulgence. Each day I dream to fight a new battle each more conflicting as the next. Inspiration would appear to me as leaves in the fall and as rites my message will draw many crowds and this experience will become as life changing. I wish to spread peace through my suffering.
The American dream is not something tangible nor is it fame, glory, but rather charity. To preach my ideas of peace and contentment would be my dream. Just to share a few breif moments to speak my mind would bring me overwhelming amount of happiness and to change one's perspective would fully complete me. I wish to show the world that peace is attainable and through the power of words will I fight the corporate world and violent society. In my American dream the people will listen.
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| lying asleep fast awake |
[28 Nov 2004|01:49pm] |
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Happiness is just a collection of few bitter moments left to the memory. Light has been completely shut off and shadows are the only forcast. Thrown into the dark I was and confined I lye here. Black is the sight and these feelings damper the once pure heavens in which these eyes possessed. The past has been somber, my skies grey constantly longing for a sun. I thought i may have found a glow but as fast as the sun rose it set and it is yet to return. I guess in my mind I've grown nocternal and this darkness no longer bothers. In fact I now see beauty in the face of sadness. My eyes locked on its gaze and im lost in its trans. Will I be saved? Will I be loved? Will I find meaning? Will I find purpose? Will I find life?
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| omg this is darin posting in eds journal....yay..kewl huh |
[01 Nov 2004|10:01pm] |
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Otep Warhead |
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I. A. Ishmael is the central character of the book. He is very to himself describing each and every detail of a person or thing but never revealing much about himself. He possesses a very genius intellect often making his fellow seamen almost inferior to him in intelligence.
B. Ahab plays an essential role in the novel for he is the captain of the ship in which Ishmael works on. He has been forever conflicted by the creature they call Moby Dick ever since the beast took his leg one fateful day. The captain becomes obsessed upon the long awaited arrival and the capture of the great Sperm Whale and will stop at nothing.
II. A. Queequeg was once a former prince on an island near the South Sea. He’s a very determined worker whos harpooning skills far exceed those of his fellow mates. He and Ishmael form an inseparable brotherly bond between the two of them. Queequeg is very generous in friendship and though he looks a bit intimidating in appearance he’s a very soft and sensitive kind of person.
B. Pip is the only young man upon the ship. He’s a colored kid that serves as a jester upon the Pequou. Though his duties as a jester are fulfilled the men take advantage of him abusing him as their tool. He’s harshly treated and forced to do as the men say.
III. A. The first part of the story takes place in New Bedford, Massachusetts. It’s a moderate sized town covered in the cold of the winter season. It’s streets layered in snow and ice giving off a sense of gloom and despair. This is where Ishmael is first introduced along with his newly discovered companion Queequeg.
B. The main setting is upon a whaling ship known as the Pequod as it sail the raging waters of the sea. Its ship sails around the globe in search of the ivory beast hitting the salty seas of the north and tackling the monstrous waters pf the south. The ship is where all the most important happenings occur including the great battle with Moby Dick.
IV. The story is told in 1st person point of view by a young man named Ishmael. He is relatively new to the whaling industry and once there he finds more than he can bargain for. He along with his new companion, a cannibal by the name of Queequeg, he embarks on a new adventure taking him across the Seven Seas in search of the ivory legend Moby Dick. He along with the rest of his crew live years upon the Pequod. Following the beasts every move. Once confronted the beast and long rival captain Ahab clash in a battle of vengeance. Caught in the middle Ishmael is thrown to sea and his crew and close friend Queequeg fight and struggle for life but in the end the beast prevails leading Ishmael the only survivor to tell the great legend that is Moby Dick.
V. A. The first symbol is represented through Queequeg. This symbol is societal misconception and it’s misleading judgment it brings. When Ishmael first set eyes on Queequeg he thought him to be a cruel vicious cannibal with the heart of black. Once Ishmael steadied himself he saw how pure and generous of heart his soon to be companion really was. Its appearance that misleads us and judgment that gets the best of us unless were able to invest time to rethink our actions to find all along that our first glance judgment was wrong.
B. The cruel relations between the crew and Pip represent many symbols such as racial inferiority, violence among youth, even life but I as the weakness of men and the perverse acts that taints our society. It is with lust that men fall and give to urge without second thought of morality or what must the victim suffer. They become clouded and lust in a need for desire. This is the aquilies heal of mankind for it plays within each's mind.
VI. A. Herman Melville is very skilled in the art of writing. His style I've never seen before and his words come together as one. His writing and word choice very intellectual for his words are of great knowledge rather than poetry. He often uses different view points in his writing switching back and fourth from real world to philosophical to scientific a combination of intellectual meanings clashing to for this novel.
VII. A. The novel Moby Dick is filled with symbolism and clouded in philosophy. I found its major philosophy is vengeance and how it brings nothing to the beholder. This is shown throughout the book and how Captain Ahab is on his eager chase to find the great whale. Vengeance is what fueled all the years searching for him and vengeance is what drove him mad. The angry emotion tore at his heart for he was willing to give his life to fulfill the act vengeance and thats exactly what happened. Ironically vengeance strengthened but took his life in the end.
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| incoherent objects to which i |
[27 Oct 2004|04:40pm] |
another time another life
strength to live and will to die
connotations and fairytales
our lie's undying wish to be
will this circle death pull me down
or will I end up killing me
strangling noises of my sadistic cry
someones asking help to which I never reply
just throw me away into the inhabitable
no way to turn no life at all
if only this could last forever
sorrow weeping in vain i sit
death is cringing as I grapple it
you cloud my unholy sky
with tainted darkness and horrid lies
the haze sends it regards to those beyond the grave
for ill becoming soon its only a matter of days
until I welcome it
to my heart
or whats left of it
empty wishes never fulfilled
this dying heart will never heal
down the gutter into the grave
beyond its mist into it's haze
I will follow
breaking the heavens
beyond its gates
this fear of love i now hate
deciete is catching up to me
with this last breath I shout to love
find me now
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[13 Oct 2004|01:23pm] |
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What is guilt? According to Dictionary.com, itâ™s defined as the fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense, a guilty conduct, sin. The definition seems a bit vague for its meaning a bit too broad. Guilt is an emotion that plays over in our conscience taunting our vulnerable minds until we find a way of release. It damages the human psyche often changing a certain feeling, thought, sometimes our whole perspective on life, almost as a metamorphosis of sorts as in the crucible. Proctor seemed as a noble worker, devoted husband well looked up to by the town, little did they know of his guilt torn conscience. His guilt grew to unmeasurable heights throughout the book and his once calm, neighborly, wellthought self slowly withered to a being never seen. His heart grew black and actions were compulsive for guilt had been consuming his mind. This emotion plagues our heads and darkens our hearts. With each day its felt, the worse we feel and it seems as the options fade until confession is all that could be thought. A time will come to decide the fate of your guilt and the question is asked, Is it worth it? Is it worth confessing risking hurting the ones we love even threatening your reputation or would you rather sink deeper into your self inflicted wound as guilt deteriorates who you once were. It's something we all must somehow cope with and its a consequence we suffer as a result a wrong choice or judgment. We all must somehow overcome it if not it will follow to our graves and death will seem as a pleasure. Guilt changes who we are and the way we deal is up to us.
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[11 Oct 2004|08:53am] |
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What is guilt? According to Dictionary.com, it’s defined as the fact of being responsible for the commission of an offense, a guilty conduct, sin. The definition seems a bit vague for its meaning a bit too broad. Guilt is an emotion that plays over in our conscience taunting our vulnerable until we find a way of releasing. It damages the human psyche often changing a certain feeling, thought, our whole perspective on life, almost as a metamorphosis of sorts.
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| l.o.l. essay |
[05 Oct 2004|08:36am] |
Time comes and time goes as a fern in the wind; it wisps gracefully across the grassy grove, no longer living by its own terms, but rather in the hands of fate, for it has no control of time and the future seems unknown. Like the fern we have no control of what’s to become, for fate is really the only standard we can actually live bye. Our whole lives we can try to be something we’re not just to make us seem as we have a purpose, but in all actuality we don’t. We search infinitely, trying to make sense of our lives often looking past the life we actually have and where it leads. Can anyone tell of his or her noble purpose when that purpose is still being sought after? I’ve discovered that purpose and nobility lie within the hands of the beholder and fate itself. For this particular essay, I’ve thought rather extensively on my noble purpose. I found that searching gives no meaning leaving ourselves in more question, often taking us from purpose itself. The whole time searching, I found myself buried in self-doubt and entangled in confusion. I then discovered noble purpose isn’t something that can be found, but rather something that just is. I’ve learned in order to see your noble place in the world, you must look at the picture as a whole, for you’ll find you’re not as purposeless as you once thought.
Noble purpose is self defined as your noble place I the world in which others can share and benefit from. After searching selfishly for my purpose, I found that my noble purpose I’ve been serving all along. It was finally clear. Noble purpose is what we give to others rather than ourselves, it’s the relationships we have and the life we share, family life as well as the intimate bonds we make. You may not know it, but more people depend on your very function than you were ever to fathom. The people you were to think to be dependent on feel for you as you for them.
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| the awe of life |
[15 Sep 2004|08:46pm] |
music: Stairwell:breathless
Very seldom am I ever able to take in the good of life for as if touched by turmoil Im usually at the bitter end of things. Now lights shined its way through my tunnel of darkness to see what hides within the confides of my soul. What a feeling it is to be lifted from the ash and actually have the will to to wipe these tears from my caliced heart and move on with the day no longer lingering in self preservation and loathing in pity though i found it rather amusing. I guess you could say those days are behind me but when im not gracing her presence its as if those sorrows strike me tenfold and the pain becomes relentless. The memories begin to well up and all that once subsided becomes lost in the forever abyss that is sadness but once again I see her and all doesnt matter for with that one look in her eyes times slows it self and as if a moment is steadied into a frame all stops. My heart speeds its beat, my knees grow heavy, I feel the blood rushing to my face. It's such a genuine feeling how i so wish i could live this for ever.
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| days of few |
[09 Sep 2004|08:52pm] |
music: thrice: stare into the sun
So few days as these for recently it's almost as I discovered my alternate reality. Who'd thought I'd be the one to speak. These trials I've overcame and yet it's as if Ive just been vulnerable all along for what is now my greatest strength is also my weakness within. My inperfection open widely to expose my wound of lonliness. Is it with this flaw I pursue the former struggle of life for when I find what I've been looking for so long tis this I become dependent on. If pain kept me going what am I to rely on now? I've thought so long on this particular idea when I found the answer was beside me, in my graps, the whole time. For it is with that, Im able to wake each new day actually hoping on something. Suddenly life doesn't seem so meaningless for it's the simple things in which this state is lived and, though my perspective on life itself hasn't changed, it seems that there is something to actually live for with a mere glimpse of her Im left breathless and alls life's worries couldnt be further from my mind. I feel something so indescribable that Im in a loss for words. It is with this image that I see the picture as a whole.
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| dimensions of day |
[04 Sep 2004|10:48pm] |
music: Tiger Army: cupids victim
There is a night and there is a day. Two seperate occurences that cohencide with each other bringing many conflict. Each day comes with it's own and with each's own comes consenquence. Isn't it odd how all can change with a few choices some for the good others for the bad. Who knows what this life gives us and the limits that can be taken. It seems as if this reality posesses such a crude sense of humor, putting us in contorted situations that render us weak, taking from us what we thought we knew, and filling us with inner conflict and self doubt. How it's games take such a toll and yet no many how many times it happens, we all seem to be vulnerable to this emotional epidemic, our hearts grow weary and it's feelings mixed. We become incoherent and in my case happiness fades. Not often does such a cataclysmic collision hit us close to the home for most of the time you hear of the other peoples experience. When this comes along you'd think you'd be prepared for whats about to hit you but, in all actuality, your naturally left in awe. Life is unpredictable and does it ever catch you unsuspectingly.
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| escape |
[01 Sep 2004|07:59pm] |
music: atreyu;bleeding meascara
Thoughts cloud my mind this particular day. The thought of escape is engraved deep inside; a never ending excursion of intrigue, excite, and adventure. Why these images continue to haunt me ,i dont know, it seems as alls fading and I cant hide from it. A cry within as if a part of me ,confined inside, an infinite flame almost inextinguishable. Do i give in or fight it's darkness? The darkness is soothing for it's sight I dont see, it's touch I dont feel, and it's air I cant breathe. Love is no longer but it's not as it was there in the begining. Is that the key to all answers? Can it really solve all? Maybe thats why im conflicted for it's light shine very little in my own corner of reality but i dont mind it. If it does ever seep into my mentality will it taint who i am? Will it change who I am? These answers Ill never find unless I find what Im looking for though Im still unsure of what Im looking for exactly and if i even do
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| what is life |
[29 Aug 2004|07:09pm] |
[rites of spring: spring]
Another useless day wasted and I see plenty more in the future. A wasteland of somber thoughts and burning desire to experience something more than this but until then I loath. I loath for day when Ill feel something besides this. A day when i can share my pain with someone other than a paper, a pad, and my guitar. How I consatntly wonder what it would feel like to be filled with uncerainty and mystique. The feeling of taking the world head on with the one at my side. I dont think this is phase for Ive always lived my life in the perspective of the lost, the misdirectioned, the alone. Ive noticed an uprising of drama and for once I might actually partake which is probably a bad thing but at least it's something new. Well tommorrows another day and another chance not taken.
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| hope has given a new meaning |
[28 Aug 2004|12:03am] |
I just got my journal tweeked (cuto's to becky) it's sofa king hardcore just as I like. Darin and I went riding with Eric and Jessica today and that was fucking awsome. We mostly just cracked the whole time while blasting Atreyu and Tiger Army. Before that John called (stupid fuck) he'll probably get all butt hurt cuz we couldnt hang but he has to understand it was out of my hands. Eric just showed up. Well anyways I went to the chick dress store and tried on some pants. I wear like a size 9 in woman jeans. This hot chick was staring at my bulge and I felt proud. I hope to buy more pairs though. Other than that lifes the same and emo as hell but I guess thats just the way I am. Here's a poem Im gonna make up off the time of my head. It will prob. suck but oh well:
standing in the corner,the candle sheds it's light, darkeness clouds me, this never ending struggle of inner pain I fight, just nail me in, the coffin closed, my breath is fading, as you throw down your rose, my heart is ceasing, the time is now, I wont coninue to struggle when my whole life Ive been bound, my eyes are growing dark, my vision blurrs, the blood begins to freeze, when I think of her, like a gash in my side, ur pain is killing me, but I refuse to cry, even to this second, the second I choose to die, my arms are growing numb, the cold sends shivers down my spine, my heart stops it's beating, to all I loved, this is goodbye.
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| xborex |
[26 Aug 2004|03:40pm] |
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my journal what way to use my space. hmmmmmmmmm im gonna go out like a true emo kid one day and all that will be left would be these entries so i plan to use this for poems and such. dont have time now but i will later
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| my first entry |
[23 Aug 2004|11:59am] |
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wow this is my first entry and well hmmmmmmmmmmm i have unlimited stuff to say which is cool. Thanks amanda for given me the hook ups. I think ill start using this journal as an awsome lyric book. How kool is that? Yeah well hhhhmmmmm what to write what to write. Well recently i tried to transfer out of honors and well that didnt work out so im stuck here doin honors ap fill out sheets which fucking blows but i read the catcher in the in one day which is kinda kool considering i dont read too many books.
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